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Four Tools of Discipline

by Ron Potter

Shane Parrish (my favorite blogger) wrote an article titled “The Four Tools of Discipline”.  The four he lists are:

  1. Delaying Gratification
  2. Accepting Responsibility
  3. Dedication to Reality
  4. Balancing

Dealing with Difficulties

Shane sets up the article with a few quotes from other well-known people.

Scott Peck from “The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth”.  This has been one of my favorite books through the years.

Peck points out that most of us want to avoid problems.  They’re painful, frustrating, sad, and lonely.  All things that we would prefer to avoid.  But he also points out that the whole process of facing, dealing with, and solving problems is what gives meaning to our lives.

Benjamin Franklin said, “Those things that hurt, instruct.”  He said that fearing the pain involved we attempt to avoid them.  We procrastinate, ignore, forget, and pretend they don’t exist.  We attempt to get out of the pain rather than suffer through it.

Avoiding problems avoids the opportunity for growth!  Shane lists the four disciplines needed to face and deal with the problems.

Delaying Gratification

We’ve all seen this play out in our lives.  I’ve been desiring a new watch.  Do I need one?  Not really.  Do I need one right now?  Definitely not!  What would delayed gratification tell me to do?  Wait?  The price will likely come down.  I have a watch that meets my needs right now?  Will I put off the purchase of the new watch?  Probably not.  Why?  Because I want it and I want it right now.

You can see the difference in children who have learned to delay their gratification.  If they haven’t, they want something now and will raise all kinds of calamity so that the parents will stop trying to delay their gratification and just give them what they want in order to shut them up.  The child has learned that if they just throw a new and louder tantrum, they’ll eventually get what they want.  They never learn delayed gratification.  Unfortunately, that leads to difficulties as young adults and even into their adult lives.

Accepting Responsibility

Shane says that accepting responsibility is emotionally uncomfortable.  He’s right.  It’s easier to say

  • traffic delayed me
  • someone else did the wrong thing, it wasn’t my fault
  • no one told me about the bigger picture or what was at stake
  • It wasn’t my fault.  It wasn’t my fault.  It wasn’t my fault.

The list goes on and on.  Shane closes that section with the following statement

Whenever we seek to avoid responsibility for our own behavior, we do so by attempting to give that responsibility to some other individual, organization, or entity.

Dedication to Reality

My blog last week was titled “Reality is Constructed by Our Brain”.  In that blog, I quoted Brian Resnick who said “Intellectual humility: the importance of knowing you might be wrong.  Knowing that you might be wrong should drive you to be curious about how others see their “reality”.  If it doesn’t create that curiosity, it causes us to dig in our heels about what we believe to be true and our own version of what reality is.

Scott Peck says “Truth or reality is avoided when it is painful.  We can revise our maps only when we have the discipline to overcome that pain.”

Shane says “The only way we can ensure our map is correct and accurate is to expose it to the criticism of others.”

If we believe our view of the world is the one and only correct view, we remain closed to the view of others.

Balancing

Shane says that “Balancing is the discipline that gives us flexibility.  Extraordinary flexibility is required for successful living in all spheres of activity.”

A few blogs back I talked about Simone Biles and the balance she exhibits in her gymnastic routines.  There are only a handful of people in the world who can come close to the physical balance she exhibits.  But many of us can work at and accomplish that kind of balance in our mental thinking.

Delaying gratification.
Accepting responsibility.
Dedication to reality.
Balancing.

Let’s close with the last one, “Balancing”.  Think about balancing the other three.  If the first three get too far out of balance with each other, problems arise.

Too much-delayed gratification without a dedication to reality will lead to frustration.  Eventually, the question will arise, delayed gratification to what end?  If there is nothing at the end of the tunnel, the delayed gratification is for nothing, it only leads to frustration.

As I was about to write the next statement about “Accepting Responsibility”, I found myself looking over at a picture of my father.  He had lost a leg during WWII.  I never heard him talk about how the Germans were responsible.  I never heard him talk about how the generals and leadership were responsible.  While he may not have accepted responsibility, he did accept reality.  He came home from the war, married, started a business, and had four children.

The picture I found myself looking at was dad (with his cane) and all four kids out on a frozen pond with a hatched while he taught us to cut a hole in the ice for ice fishing.  Looking at that picture reminded me why he has been one of the most influential in my life.

Balance.  Balance.  Balance.

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BlogCulture

Belonging

by Ron Potter

A recent EY study looked at the power of belonging at work.  Human beings have a great need to be part of a group.  We can look all the way back to ancient tribes to see this need to belong.  We all want to belong to a family, a community, a place of worship, a team.

Whatever the group is, we want to belong and be accepted.

Virtual World

In today’s virtual world, this has become more difficult.  Almost every client I’m working with is asking about how we feel more connected in this virtual world.  Our virtual meetings tend to be focused on the task at hand with little time for socializing or getting to know each other on a personal level.

One of my clients was recently struggling with this issue because he was part of a global team that had no opportunity to be together face-to-face.  In fact, he was gaining the reputation of being a hard charger who needed to be in control of the situation and the project.

Then recently the global team had the opportunity to be personally together at a team meeting in Europe.  He was thrilled with the opportunity and the outcome.  Because they were all face-to-face he had the opportunity to shake hands, look others in the eye, and socialize after work getting to know each other personally.

When the meeting was over he felt much more connected and had an increased sense of belonging that he had not experienced during the virtual meetings over the last year or two.

The Art of the Check-in

The EY study suggested several tips for building relationships regularly.

  • Seize the small opportunities to connect
  • Check bias at the door
  • Assume positive intent
  • It’s OK to be vulnerable
  • Be consistent and accountable

Seize the Small Opportunities to Connect

Connection is much more difficult in the virtual world so it must be accomplished intentionally.  It’s really impossible to accomplish this during team meetings. I have found that you must be intentional about expecting people to get together one-on-one (even virtually) and spend the time getting to know each other as human beings.  These meetings are not intended to work on tasks but simply to build relationships.

Ask questions like:

  • How are you doing?
  • How can I support you?”

You must genuinely be interested in their answers which means that you must listen with the intent to understand.  Truly understand.  Ask clarifying questions that help you understand where the other person is coming from and the perspective they’re using to view the world.

Years ago there was an elderly woman in our church.  If you asked her how she was doing her answer was “I’m doing fine unless you’re really interested”.

Be Interested!  Get to know who they are and what makes them tick.  No judgment.  Just understanding.

Check Bias at the Door

We each carry our own biases.  We just don’t always see them.

By listening to the other person we can often discover our own biases.  It’s natural.  We all have biases.  But the more you are aware of what they are, the easier it is to understand the other person.

Assume Positive Intent

This one is more difficult than it sounds.  Even though we have biases, we tend to accept them as natural and overlook their impact.  But we often assume that the other person is speaking from their own bias and because it’s different than our own, we can easily fall into the trap of assuming they are not speaking with positive intent.

Again, the best way to overcome this issue is to listen with the intent to understand.  When the other person assumes we are truly trying to understand them and where they are coming from, they’ll begin to drop or admit their own biases and start speaking with positive intent.

It’s OK to be Vulnerable

It’s not just OK to be vulnerable, it’s a must.  If we are not vulnerable with the other person, our biases begin to take over and we are not speaking with positive intent.

If we want the other person to take on a positive intent role, we must do it first.  Be vulnerable.

Be Consistent and Accountable

We’ve all heard the old saying “Do as I say, not as I do.”  Once again it becomes a “you first” approach.

We must first be consistent.  People should see a consistent approach and demeanor no matter what the circumstances or who we are talking with.

Then be accountable.  People are often looking to shift the blame to another person or circumstance.  Don’t be that person.  Admit where you failed or made the wrong decision and be accountable for the results.  It’s the only way to be a great leader or a great teammate.

People Want to Belong

Every human being has the built-in desire to belong.  Belong to a tribe.  Belong to a community.  Belong to a team.

Humans without these positive options for belonging turn to belonging to a gang or a cult or a social media crowd.  None of these are positive in the long run and will eventually lead to destructive behavior for either the person themselves or society in general.

Help people belong.

Help them be welcome.

Help them feel listened to and understood.

It will be the best thing you can do for yourself, the other person, society as a whole.

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BlogCulture

BS Indicator

by Ron Potter

I’ve started reading a book titled The Life-Changing Science of Detecting Bullshit.  I started reading it just because it sounded like a fun read (my warped sense of humor, I guess).  However, once I started to read the research and science behind it, the topic is fascinating.

The Causes and Consequences of B.S.

John Petrocelli is a social psychologist and professor of psychology at Wake Forest University, who actually studies this issue.  How fun would that be?

He finds that people tend to spread B.S. when they feel obligated to have an opinion about something they know little about—and when they feel they aren’t going to be challenged.  The Wall Street Journal did a fascinating interview with Dr. Potrocelli.  A couple of findings I found interesting were:

  • B.S. is when someone communicates something with little regard for the truth, genuine evidence, or established knowledge.
  • Liars actually know and care about the truth. They need to know the truth so they can distract you from it. The BS’er not only doesn’t know the truth, they don’t care about it.
  • One reason people BS is simply the obligation to have an opinion. People feel they have to have an opinion about everything.  They tell each other what they want to hear to avoid conflict or hurt feelings.

Obligation to Have an Opinion

Why do we feel we need to have an opinion?  We could just as easily remain silent or openly indicate that we don’t have an opinion on a particular.  Even better, if we were to indicate that we haven’t formed an opinion because we don’t know all the facts and haven’t yet figured out the truth.

The WSJ indicates that the main reason people BS is to promote one’s status—to get ahead, appear knowledgeable, competent, skilled, or admired.  Unless these BS’ers are challenged, it can lead to some of these consequences but when challenged properly, their BS is quickly exposed and leads to the failure of accomplishing any of those goals.

Detecting BS

Our ability to detect BS has been dulled through this time of isolation.  We’ve lost some of our natural ability to detect.  The WSJ article points out a couple of great questions that we can ask to retune our BS detector.

  • Ask people to clarify, they’ll often take a step back and think. And a lot of times, they’ll dial back their claim. So the first question is: “What? What are you saying?”
  • “How? How do you know that’s true? How did you come to that conclusion?”  We have often been taught to ask the “Why” question first.  However, Dr. Petrocelli suggests that the “Why” is not a good question to ask. That leads people into the abstract, to talk about their values and the heady stuff. The “how” question gets them down to the concrete, real-world, practical things that we would call evidence.
  • The other question should be: “Have you ever considered any alternatives?” The reason for this question is that if they say no, you know they probably haven’t thought through the thing very well.

The Power of Detecting BS

Something on your radar just pinged and you’re not sure if this person is telling you the truth or just BSing.  Or you might simply be ignorant of the situation, the facts, and the truth.  In either case, asking the questions above will help you, your team, and your leadership be better at what you’re trying to accomplish.  Become a good BS detector simply by keeping your radar up and asking the right questions.

You’ll be thought of as a solid citizen and a critical thinker.  Don’t accept or spew BS.

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BlogCulture

Enjoy the Journey

by Ron Potter

Shane Parrish, my favorite blogger, offered the following quote—

“Become addicted to the process and results will follow. “

I believe many of us who are used to charging ahead and getting things done have a hard time coming to grips with this quote.  It just seems like we should be focused on the outcome and the results more than the process.

Simone Biles

Simone is considered the best gymnast of all time.  She has had four gymnastics elements named after her — one on beam, one on vault, two on floor.  She seems to be able to locate herself in space, regardless of what her logical brain is trying to tell her.  When she is high in space over that beam, her mind is able to locate herself and her body in relationship with the beam or the floor.  There is nothing quite like her ability to do so.

So when she pulled out of the Tokyo Olympics, everyone was baffled.  Why would she do such a thing?  One of her own explanations likened it to being blind all of a sudden but with everyone expecting you to continue to perform your regular job.  But I was blind!

Her quote that caught my attention was “The outpouring of love and support I’ve received has made me realize that I’m more than my accomplishments in gymnastics which I never truly believed before.”  Italics are mine.

The point is she never realized that her self-worth was more than what she could and had accomplished as a gymnast!

More Than Your Accomplishments

This is the heart of the issue that most high achievers deal with.  They (we) assume that our self-worth is dependent on a high level of accomplishment. 

This is a dangerous tightrope.

Just like Simone, her original feeling of not being able to compete at that high level equaled failure.  Her quote above about being more than her accomplishments shows that she was dealing well with what originally felt like a failure.

What Keeps You Up At Night?

Is it a task or accomplishment?  Are you thinking about everything that has to be done but you haven’t accomplished?  Is it thinking about what you have to “do” first thing in the morning (Saturday and Sunday included)?  Does it feel like you have to instantly respond to emails or texts 24/7 because something might need to be done?  Have tasks and the need to accomplish them taken over your life?

When I was first going into the consulting world 30+ years ago, I had an interview with the head of the Detroit office of one of the large consulting firms.  As I talked with the general manager he asked me, “If I need you and I call you to immediately come to the office, but you’re at your son’s birthday party, will you be will to leave and come to the office?”

I was so blown away by the question I didn’t even know what to say.  I asked the manager “How did you handle those situations?”  His answer was, “I got remarried!”

He was willing to sacrifice his family in order to get the job done.  His wife divorced him and he eventually remarried with no kids.  That ended my interview.  I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my family (and life) and he wasn’t willing to hire me if I wouldn’t make that sacrifice.

He seemed happy.  He had the corner office high in Detroit office tower, an entire section of the company working for him; he was well paid, etc.  But he may have been the saddest person I ever met.

Become Addicted To The Process

As Shane says, become addicted to the process and results will follow.

What’s process?  If you’ve been a reader of this blog, none of this will be news but your process should include:

  • Being Humble.  We all want to stand out and be seen as the best.  But what people remember about you will be your humility, not your arrogance.
  • Build Team.  There is an abundance of research and experience that indicated teams outperform individuals.  However, that’s only true if the team is functioning as a unit rather than just a group of people.  Especially a group of people who are there simply to do what the arrogant boss tells them to do.
  • Build relationships.  People want to know that you care for them and know them as human beings, not just about what they can accomplish.  People are motivated to work hard and be innovative if they believe their teammates and their boss know them and care about them as human beings.
  • There are many other processes that you can be focused on but start with these three.  The results will follow.

Meaningless Photo

This is a photo that really has nothing to do with the blog but when I saw this photo of Simone and Shaquille O’Neal together I couldn’t resist including it.  Enjoy!

 

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BlogCulture

Are You a Hedgehog or a Fox?

by Ron Potter

Years ago I was working with a client in Scotland.  It was mid-June so the days were very long.  Because Scotland is so far north the sun rises at about 4:30 in the morning.  This allowed me to play nine holes of golf before my meetings started.  While I was on one hole a small hedgehog came walking out from a nearby woodpile.  He seemed oblivious to my presence and walked right into the line of my pending putt.  I reached out with my putter and “patted” him on the rear end assuming he would scamper off the green.  Instead, he curled tightly up into a ball and held his defensive position.  I watched him for a few minutes but he never came out of his defensive ball.  I then took my putter, treated him like a golf ball, and putted him off the green.  After a few minutes, he got up a scampered off.

So when I saw the Wall Street Journal titled, “The Hedgehogs of Critical Race Theory”, I was intrigued.

Archilochus

Archilocus was a Greek poet and philosopher who said, “The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing”. The WSJ article says that the political philosopher Isaiah Berlin wrote an essay in 1953 suggesting that the world was divided between hedgehogs and foxes.  He identified Karl Marx as a supreme hedgehog and Franklin Roosevelt as a restlessly improvising fox.

The WSJ article expresses that the world’s hedgehog population tends to expand in times of stress and change.  Lately, it has exploded in the U.S. with all of them advancing One Big Thing or another, each peering through the lens of a particular obsession. (Italics are mine)

The theologian Richard Niebuhr, explained it this way: “There is no greater barrier to understanding than the assumption that the standpoint which we happen to occupy is a universal one.”

Barrier to Understanding

Do you want to understand or would you rather stick with your hedgehog approach to one big standpoint?  This is the difference between normal teams and great teams.

In great teams, everyone suspends their opinions and standpoints for a moment while they attempt to completely understand each members’ viewpoints.  This requires that we listen to understand rather than listening to respond.

It’s a natural human trait to keep score in our head of the issues that we agree with and disagrees with while another person is explaining their viewpoint.  STOP IT!  It does take a great deal of energy and discipline to fully listen with the intent to understand where the other person is coming from and what is forming their opinion.  It takes hard work.

Work at it!  It will make you a better person and a better team.

Koosh Ball

A colleague called me the other day and asked if I had ever dealt with someone that was so convinced that their opinion and perspective was right that they never stopped talking or interrupting.  And if so, how did I deal with it? My answer was a Koosh ball.

  

It was an exercise I often used when we had a “talker” on the team.  The rules were simple:

  • Only the person who was in the possession of the Koosh ball could speak.
  • When that person was done expressing their opinion and perspective they would then decide who the Koosh ball was tossed to next.

Two things I often observed was the the “talker” still needed a signal to stop talking even though they knew the rules.  I often had to put my hand up to cut them off and remind them that their job was to fully understand the perspective of the talking person.  They still seemed to have a difficult time.  It took hard work on everyone’s part.

The other thing I often observed was that the team was so tired of constantly hearing the talker, they would toss to anyone other than the talker.  It became obvious that we were hearing the other’s perspective for the first time.  Very refreshing and very empowering to everyone.

Opinion and Perspective

It’s OK to have clear and powerful opinions and perspectives.  However, don’t assume that each person sees that same universe.  Every person is unique and comes from individual experiences and understandings.  Just look at your own family.  I have three siblings.  We grew up in the same household with the same parents and were only a few years apart.  And yet, each of us had very unique experiences and developed a unique set of values.

That is why great teams outperform average teams and individuals.  Pulling all of those experiences and unique views of the world together into a team decision is very powerful.  If you haven’t experienced that, I hope you do someday.

It’s incredibly satisfying.

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BlogCulture

Noise Is Overrunning Us

by Ron Potter

We recently remembered the 20th anniversary of 9/11.

I was in New York City working with a client on 9/10.  Trying to get home that evening from La Guardia, we left the gate three times only to return each time for various reasons.  On the last return to the gate, the pilot came over the speaker and said that anyone who wanted to get off the plane was welcome to but he was going to try to take off one more time.  If I stayed on the plane and this take off didn’t work, I was unlikely to find a hotel room anywhere.  I would have to spend the night in the terminal.  If I stuck with it and the plane was able to take off, great.  It would be late but I would get home.

We finally did take off and I arrived home about 1:30 am on 9/11.  After a few hours of sleep, I awoke and watched the events of that horrible day on my TV.  But I was home.

For the next several days there was not a plane in the sky.  There was no noise from the jets flying overhead.  It was a bit unnerving.  I realized that we had become so accustomed to the noise of jets flying overhead that we just didn’t hear it anymore.  Until it stopped!

That was 20 years ago.  The noise in our lives has gone much beyond jets flying overhead.

Noise has Increased

The sound of jets in the sky has returned (although diminished during Covid).  And once again we barely hear it anymore.  But it’s a little frightening to me how much other noises have increased in our lives.

One that I find particularly annoying (although it may simply be my age) is the sound in restaurants.  When I go to dinner with someone I enjoy the conversation as much as the food.  However, as the noise levels of talking and laughing increase, for some reason the restaurant feels compelled to turn up the background music.  If you look around, no one is listening to the music, they’re trying to talk.  But because of the sound, they need to talk louder.  It’s a vicious cycle and renders quiet conversations impossible.  I’ve given up.

Invisible Noise

The noise that I’m worried about even more is technically not noise at all.  It’s the constant distraction and overwhelming presence of email, texts, and social media, etc.  Even in open-air restaurants where a conversation is possible, I see couples and families all setting together, all on their own devices.  This “noise” has diminished human contact.

I’m Not A Luddite

I’m not opposed to technology.  In fact, I purchased my first Blackberry in early 2000, just months after it had been introduced in late 1999.  Back then I even had to search for a nationwide network for the Blackberry to run on because the phone companies had not discovered that it could be a great revenue stream for their own networks.

Overworked and Increased Stress

It was soon after that I began to hear from clients and colleagues about how overworked they were and the increase of stress in their lives.  I tried to observe what was causing this feeling of being overworked and I really couldn’t see that people were working more than they always had.

What I did observe however was that they got no relief from their workload.

Prior to the availability of smartphones, people would close up shop at the end of the day (even long days), and head home for time with the family, rest, and relaxation.  That wasn’t happening anymore.  They felt they were suddenly on call twenty-four hours per day.

It’s not that they were working harder, it’s just that it never shut off.  If they received an email from their boss late in the evening, they felt it was important (maybe even required) to respond as-soon-as-possible.  This pattern interrupted their time of rest and recuperation, got them thinking and responding, and turning their work brain back on with no opportunity to recover.  This “noise” of being in contact 24/7 has overrun and disrupted our lives.

The Boss is Often Not Aware

One leader I was working with had a reputation of being a demanding tyrant.  I was surprised to find a very pleasant and caring person when I met her.  As I began to ask those who had labeled her a tyrant about the behavior that caused that reputation, they began to talk about her 24/7 demands through email and texts.  In their opinion, it never let up and was destroying their health and family life.

When I asked her about the behavior, her first response was that she had tried to make it clear that she wasn’t expecting an immediate response.  However, if you’re a direct report, it’s always hard not to respond to your boss.

I encouraged her to write her thoughts as an email draft whenever she wanted to but not to hit send until either late Sunday night or early Monday morning.  She was very happy to do that.

Within a week her direct reports asked what I had done because their stress levels had gone down and they didn’t feel obligated to think about work all weekend.  Simple things can make big differences.

Take Control of your Life

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about not allowing technology to take over our lives.  It requires personal discipline.

When you go on vacation but dedicate late night or early morning to “getting your work done” you completely override your body and mind’s need for rest and to just be unplugged.  Let your boss and colleagues know that you’re going on vacation and will be unplugged for a while.  For the most part, they’ll understand.

When you get back to work, delete those emails that have filled your inbox while you were gone.  The really important ones will resurface.

Take control.  You’re not a victim unless you choose to be.  You’ll be a stronger, healthier, happier person in the end.

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You’ll Never Be Caught Up!

by Ron Potter

Most people are list makers.  I’ve observed two types.

  1. Logical, structured lists, usually written down in chronological order.  Myers-Briggs refers to these types as Judging.  Don’t let the title throw you off course.  It simply means that they prefer to live a planned and organized life.
  2. Random list makers including anything that comes to mind at the moment.  Myers-Briggs refers to these types as Perceiving.  It means that they prefer to live more of a spontaneous, flexible life.

Each type deals with its own difficulties.  I’ve seen the logical list makers work hard on completing a task that was not originally on their list.  After the task is complete, they have a tendency to write down the task on their list and then cross it out as completed.

Adding it to their list after it’s completed means absolutely nothing but they experience satisfaction from adding it to the list and then checking it off as completed.

It’s a little bit like Fitbit users who keep track of every step they take.  If their device isn’t charged or they forgot to put it on before they leave for their walk, jog, or run, there is no record of the steps taken.  They often feel that the steps were not actually taken because there is no record to show the effort.  They still received all the benefits from all the steps but without a record, they feel like they never took them at all.

The random list makers have everything they can think of on their list.  From critical issues to totally random issues.  One question I often ask them is “How many lists do you have?”  The answer: too many to keep track of.

The point here is not the type of list maker you are.  The point is you’ll never be “caught up”.

You’ll Never Be “Caught Up”, Stop Feeling Guilty About it

This was a recent Harvard Business Review article titled, You’re Never Going to be “Caught Up” at Work.  Stop Feeling Guilty About it.  

As I write this blog my mind often drifts to the other tasks that I haven’t gotten to yet.  It can lead to guilt and even shame if I let it.  It’s a tough human dilemma fighting the issue of never being caught up.

Feeling Guilty Doesn’t Help

It is important to make sure you’re not just procrastinating from doing something that may be difficult but important.  Prioritizing your task list is important so that you do get the most important items first. And though there aren’t enough hours in the day to accomplish everything,  don’t feel guilty about it.  Feel good that you got to the important things.

One of the issues I’ve seen at play is many people’s ability to say no to someone else.  By promising to get to things that are really not going to be possible you’ll

  • Create guilt or even shame for not living up to your promise.
  • Overwork yourself by doing things for other people rather than those things on your priority list.
  • Do a poor job of accomplishing the task for them and at the same time not performing up to the standards that are expected of you.  Again, guilt and shame.

Be honest and straightforward with people.  If you can’t help them or realistically won’t get to the task they’re asking you to do, it is better for both of you to let them know that up front.

Give Yourself a Break

I’ve watched many people try to help others get past the feelings of guilt/shame by exercising self-forgiveness.  Give yourself the same break.  I know this can be difficult because we all want to perform at our peak so maybe you need that honest friend to help you with this issue just like you’re trying to help others.  Do you have that someone that will talk with you straight and you’ll appreciate it?  If not, that should be your number one priority.

Vacation or Break Time

I’ve noticed with myself that if I’m off work for a week, I actually get one day of rest and recuperation.

I may leave work late Friday night because I’m trying to finish off those things I feel are important to accomplish before I leave.  This may flow over into Saturday.  Sunday can be very active with church, friends, or traveling if we’re going someplace.  Monday I can feel myself start to let down and I usually get my best night’s sleep that night followed by a Tuesday that is often completely disengaged from work and very relaxing.

But by Tuesday night I can catch myself thinking about work again and the things I need to accomplish when I return.  That feeling increases Thursday and Friday and in the end, I realize I accomplished one day of R&R.  So I get one day off in a one-week vacation.  I need to take two weeks to get a week off!

Vacation and Break Time Killers

So what will destroy all of those efforts?

  • Not turning off your phone
  • Continuing to read texts and emails
  • Taking some work with you to get done before everyone gets up in the morning.

You’ve got to shut things off!  My personal experience is that even if I’ve been good at shutting those things off during my vacation/break time when I get back to the office I’ll find an email box with several hundred messages and feel immediately overwhelmed.

At first, I would take all of those emails and save them in another file intending to get them soon.  I never did.

After that, I simply deleted all emails in my inbox.  I found that if there was something important the person who sent it will reach out again looking for an answer.  If I simply said, “Sorry, I was on vacation, how can I help you?” most of the time the other person understood and then would get me caught up on the issue.

I don’t believe I ever experienced more than about one percent of follow-up on those hundreds of emails.

Get Your R&R

It’s up to you.  Only you can make sure it happens.

But our personal experiences tell us and research confirms if we don’t get adequate rest, relaxation, recuperation, and regeneration, our body and minds will continue to deteriorate over time diminishing our ability to perform.

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Communication

by Ron Potter

You’ve heard me talk often about the need to listen with the intent to understand.  The better you get at this the better you’ll understand what’s being said.

But the other side of communication is talking.  Just because you said something doesn’t mean your listener understands.  Simon Sinek says “Communication is about ensuring others hear what we mean”.  Just because you said it doesn’t mean your listener(s) understood it.

Communication

Our word communication is from the Latin communcare, meaning to share.  “The act of developing meaning among entities or groups through the use of sufficiently mutually understood signs, symbols, and semiotic conventions.”  To quote Simen Sinek again “Communication is not about saying what we think.”

Act like an owner

I once worked with a client that was publicly owned and had a leadership team from all over the world.  It seemed to the CEO that there was too much command and control attitude coming from his leadership team so he began talking with them about acting like owners, not just managers running a company that was owned by the stockholders.  He was hoping this “Act like an owner” attitude would institute a more caring and inclusive approach by his leadership.

However, one member of the leadership team seemed to “double down” on the command and control approach to his leadership.  The CEO asked me to talk with the individual to see if we could figure out why the message didn’t seem to be getting through.

I talked with the VP and asked what he thought of the “ownership” approach.  His response was very positive.  He agreed that the entire team should act like owners and that should produce some great results.  I was having a hard time aligning his words with his actions so I asked him what “ownership” meant to him.

As it turns out the neighboring country had invaded his homeland 600 years ago.  They took over all the land and essentially enslaved the native population.  To him, that was ownership.  Complete control to rule the land as they wanted with a complete command and control attitude.  His reaction was that the leadership team should absolutely act like owners!

Communication is about conveying meaning

“Communication is about ensuring others hear what we mean”   Ownership meant one thing to the CEO and an entirely different thing to the VP.  The meaning had not been communicated.  Because this leadership team was a globally diverse team, it became almost necessary that we parse the language to assure the meaning was understood— to ensure others hear what we mean.

Extraversion vs Introversion

I began to see a similar issue a few years later working with the Asian culture.  In North America, it seems that our extraverted, outgoing leadership style is the style that is associated with a lot of corporate leaders.  In Asia, it seems that the introverted, quiet, thoughtful style is the one that is more revered by the culture.

I began to observe that in North America if someone was walking past and the CEO was sitting quietly, apparently “not doing anything” it would be a good time to stick their head into the office and interrupt the “not doing anything” moment with a question or a statement.  In the Asian office, if the CEO was sitting quietly, the person would silently tip-toe past the office so they wouldn’t interrupt the CEO’s deep thought.

Two different cultures with different beliefs about the same action.

Communication is about sharing meaning

Our corporate world is becoming more global all the time.  The Covid pandemic has accelerated the use of virtual meetings which puts even more emphasis on speaking and listening with the intent to convey and understand meaning.

Communication is a two-way street:

  • Learn to listen with the intent to understand
  • Speak with the intent of ensuring others hear what we mean

We must do both for the betterment of everyone and the company.

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My Elastic Mind is Getting Stiffer

by Ron Potter

I’ve mentioned many times that Shane Parrish of Farnam Street is the blogger I read most consistently.  He was very instrumental in getting me started with blogging.

One recent article he wrote was titled, Elastic: Flexible Thinking in a Constantly Changing World.

His opening paragraph says,

The less rigid we are in our thinking, the more open-minded, creative, and innovative we become.

As we’ve been focused on our rapidly changing world in our last few blogs, things are changing fast as we look for and understand the new normal.

Come gather ’round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You’ll be drenched to the bone
If your time to you is worth savin’
And you better start swimmin’
Or you’ll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin‘

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist the lyrics of a Bob Dylan song.

Elastic Thinking

Share refers to a book by Leonard Mlodinow, Elastic,  in which Mlodinow explains elastic thinking as:

  • the capacity to let go of comfortable ideas and become accustomed to ambiguity and contradiction
  • the capability to rise above conventional mind-sets and to reframe the questions we ask
  • the ability to abandon our ingrained assumptions and open ourselves to new paradigms
  • the propensity to rely on imagination as much as on logic and to generate and integrate a wide variety of ideas
  • and the willingness to experiment and be tolerant of failure

Let Go of Comfortable Ideas

Like our bodies, our brains are lazy.  It’s much easier and less taxing if we just stick with comfortable ideas rather than contemplate new ideas or new approaches.  I think this is one reason that this new virtual world we find ourselves facing is so taxing.  We’re getting warn down just because of meeting virtually rather than in person.  See my post on Zoom Fatigue from May 13, 2021.

Reframe the Question

One of the greatest assets I’ve observed in business is the ability to reframe questions.  One of the best books on this topic is A More Beautiful Question: The Power of Inquiry to Spark Breakthrough Ideas by Warren Berger.  This has always been a great asset and I have found it at the root of the more innovative companies.  But in this rapidly changing environment, we find ourselves in today, I believe it is essential.  If you’re still framing questions based on the old “normal” you will find yourself quickly losing ground and even your footing.

Abandon Ingrained Assumptions

I think of this one as being slightly different than the reframing questions above.  Assumptions get us in trouble.  One of my early mentors used to say: Assume makes an ass of u and me.  Don’t assume.  I believe that avoiding assuming requires listening to understand.  If we’re really trying to understand another person, we must listen with the intent to understand.  If we’re not doing that, we’re assuming we know the answer or we know what is right.  Assume and make an ass of u and me!

Balance Imagination and Logic

I find very few leadership teams that are good at this.  Although the word imagination is used, I’m going to change it slightly to emotion.  I believe it is essential to balance emotion and logic to make the best decisions.  Many leaders and leadership teams believe that all decisions should be logical.  “Fifth Avenue” figured out long ago that we make decisions based on emotion and then justify those decisions with logic.  I’ve told this story before but I believe it’s worth repeating here.  Years ago while my wife and I were in a Chevrolet dealership waiting for a very practical and inexpensive sedan to be brought upfront for a test drive, the salesperson and I were drooling over a Corvette convertible.  Pretty soon my wife said, “I see no logical reason to buy a Corvette”.  Both the salesperson and I looked at her in complete disbelief.  Finally, I said, “No Corvette was ever sold based on logic.”  All decisions are made based on emotion and then justified based on logic.

Tolerate Failure

It’s not easy to tolerate failure.  Especially when it’s your own.  We are often afraid to admit failure because we believe that people will think less of us or we’ll lose the power to lead.  But I have found it to be quite the opposite.  As long as we’re honest and straightforward with admitting our failures, we actually become better leaders.  People like following people who are human.

Frozen Thoughts

Mlodinow talks about “frozen thoughts” as being the opposite of having an elastic mind.  Don’t let your thoughts become frozen.  As Dylan says, “For the times they are a-changin”.  I believe we’re in one of those mega shifts where things are moving and changing so fast we can’t even figure out the new normal yet.  You’ll never make it with frozen thoughts.

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The Coming Ice Age: Leading Beyond the Blizzard

by Ron Potter

As we try to figure out the new normal, many comments and images have been tossed around.  I ran across this article by Andy Crouch, Kurt Keilhacker, and Dave Blanchard of Praxis that gives us a good overview of what we’re facing.

Blizzard, Winter, Ice Age

For a minute, put your own thoughts to each of those words.

Blizzard

Years ago when my children were young, my wife and I decided to drive from Salt Lake City where we were living at the time back to her family farm in Michigan for Thanksgiving.  Everything went great getting there as was our time with family at a very comforting time of the year.  But then it was time to drive back from Michigan to Utah in early December.  Things were going fine until I woke up (my wife was driving at the moment) and realized that we were spinning (a full 360) on the Interstate along with the cars and trucks near us.  We had hit a blizzard in Nebraska.  No one crashed and no one was hurt and we were able to get to the first exit which had a Holiday Inn where we checked in for a couple of days until the blizzard passed and the roads had been clear.

It was a scary experience!

Even after we were able to restart our journey, there was this anxiousness in the back of our minds as we headed out on the plains of Nebraska and into the mountains before making it to Salt Lake.

Blizzards are like that.  Scary.  They can be dangerous.  And the possibilities can linger in our mind even after they clear.

Winter

Unlike blizzards that can come upon you quickly, we know that winters are coming.  The calendar tells us so.  The only thing we don’t know is how severe the winter will be and how long it will last.  Keep in mind that we live in Michigan near the Lake Michigan side of the state.  A couple of winters ago, we had an extremely cold spell of a couple of weeks during winter.  Temperatures were below negative 20 degrees for nearly two weeks.  When it’s that cold you need to protect people and things and be prepared if you lose your power.  Even things in our garage began to freeze.  But just like blizzards, we know that it will end sometime and things will get back to normal.

Ice Age

Back when I was a kid, we didn’t hear about global warming; we heard about another coming Ice Age.  (Both based on science… supposedly.)  We have beautiful, great lakes and terrain in Michigan because of the last ice age in which glaciers reached what is now the southern border of the state.   It must have been impressive and awesome and it created and left a beautiful environment.  But it was uninhabitable!  The last Ice Age lasted about 12,000 years.  Ice Ages create new normals.

What Are We Facing

Which category —Blizzard, Winter, or Ice Age— do you place our current Covid situation and the virtual workplace it has spawned?

Blizzard

I believe it’s clear to all of us that this is not a blizzard.  We may have had some hope of that a year ago.  We may have thought that “this will be over soon” and we would get back to normal.  It is now obvious that is not going to happen.

Winter

I’m often asked why I continue to live in Michigan when I could live anywhere.  My answer is that when you have a perfect day in Michigan, there is nothing like it anywhere else in the world.  I’m sure it’s the result of the great lakes and beautiful forests.

But with Covid, we don’t get a summer full of beautiful days.  We’re at least in winter.  There will be no “perfect” days with Covid.  We will not return to “normal”.

Ice Age

We may even be into an Ice Age with Covid and virtual work.  Things are not likely to return to “normal” in our lifetime.  It will be a much more cautious and virtual world.  Because I have children and grandchildren who live in other countries of the world, I’m very familiar with virtual connections.  But I can’t wait until I can be with them again to give them each a big hug.  And with the teams I work with, there is nothing like that shake of a hand, that pat on the back, and being able to look directly into the eyes of each other when dealing with difficult issues.

New Norm

This is the new norm.  We’re never quite sure what the new normal will actually look like.  We only know that it will be different (and confusing) until the new normal emerges.

We haven’t really figured it all out yet.

I know that many of our collaboration platforms (Zoom, MSTeams, Webex, and others) are working fast and furious trying to figure it out.  But I do know that they’ll miss the mark if they rely on transactional measurements rather than personal relationships interactions to create the new normal.

Trust

As the team from Praxis says, “Out greatest resource is trust”.  Trust is difficult to cultivate virtually, although I believe it can be done with focus and effort.  It’s more important than ever in this time of winter and/or ice age to build trust.  It will be hard work but it will also be worth it.

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People are Crazy

by Ron Potter

The son of a friend of mine just graduated from law school.  When asked what type of law he would like to pursue, his response was: “I’m good at writing and I enjoy research.  Plus, if I go into research I don’t have to deal with people.”

As my friend was telling me this he told me this story,  he said “I never listen to country music but when I got into my car, somehow the radio had been switched to a country music channel and the repeating line of the song being played was:

‘God is great, beer is good
And people are crazy’

People are Crazy

Throughout my career, I’ve dealt with fairly healthy people.  And they’re all crazy!  Including me.  One of my clients said that everybody is 15% crazy.  And if their 15% matched her 15%, everything was good.  But if their 15% was at the opposite end of the spectrum from her 15%, they were going to have real problems, because they were crazy!

Smart People are Crazy

I think people with large IQ’s are particularly stubborn when it comes to crazy.

  • They’re smart.
  • They’re logical.
  • They can think through things.
  • They assume there is no other way to see a problem or solution.

Our reaction to them is that… “They’re crazy.”

Untrustworthy People are Crazy

When people are untrustworthy, devious,  or manipulative they can be seen as crazy.  If someone acts one way in certain circumstances and another in others, they are not seen as having integrity.  They can be termed crazy.

If you feel you’re being manipulated by another person (and we always seem to know) one of our reactions is “Are they crazy?”  People with integrity are seldom seen as crazy.

Overcoming Crazy

We mentioned integrity above.  That’s a big part of overcoming crazy.  Another trait is humility.  Humble people don’t believe they know it all.  They don’t seem crazy.  A third is curiosity; it requires good listening.  I’ve often talked about listening with the intent to understand.  When you’re really curious, it requires that you learn something while you’re listening and asking questions.  Listening with the intent to understand really cuts down on craziness.

Where is your Crazy?

People are crazy!

Have you thought about where you seem crazy to other people?

  • Think about it.
  • Ask about it.
  • Do something about it.

Being less crazy will help you be better at everything you do.

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Zoom Fatigue

by Ron Potter

My first regret with Zoom is that I didn’t invest in the company in the early days.  I’ve been a user since the early days but had no idea what was coming.  Covid increased users rapidly and the last I looked they had around a half-million users.  One more investment opportunity missed!

For this blog, I will use the word Zoom as a generic term for all of the video conference applications from Microsoft, Cisco (Webex), Google, and others.

Exhausting

Even though Zoom has become essential, the environment has become exhausting at the same time.  Why?

I’m a highly extroverted person and you would think I would enjoy the Zoom environment.  And in fact, I do prefer it to one-on-one phone calls.   And I even do OK and experience quite a bit of value in small team meetings.

But for those who are in several meetings per day and often with large numbers of participants, it’s exhausting.  I have always experienced mental fatigue deeper and harder to recover from than physical fatigue.  Zoom meetings are all focused on mental fatigue.

Evolution

We have evolved (and survived) because of our ability to understand very small expressions and understand meaning from them.  One of my pleasures is reading spy novels.  Almost all of them talk about microexpressions as a means for understanding truth, lies, confidence, fear, and other emotions.  Human communications is a combination of words, movement, timing, gestures, and others.  Scientists even have a name for all of this coordination.  They call it synchrony.

Synchrony is essential for complete communication and humans work hard to achieve it.  I believe that synchrony is essential to build trust!  It’s interesting to me that Zoom and all of its competitors are working hard to improve teamwork through this media.  I believe it was Microsoft that talked about the “art of teamwork”.  And yet, they are all looking at things that can be measured like: “Who are you meeting with?”, “How often are you meeting?”, “What time of day do you meet?”.  None of these things have anything to do with building the trust essential in good teams.

Fight-or-flight

Scientists at Stanford University found that the size of images can trigger our innate “Fight-or-Flight” state of mind.  When another person’s image looks larger and closer than others on the conference call, they can seem threatening.  Looking at a screen of nine faces where there is no coordination of closeness to screen is very different than having nine people around a conference table.  When every image is a different proportional size, the human mind is trying to figure our fight-or-flight threat.  It’s exhausting.

Feel Good Conversations

Studies also show that face-to-face conversations release neurotransmitters like dopamine.  Dopamine is linked to our feelings of pleasure.  I look forward to meeting with people one-on-one.  It feels good!

Another quote from Stanford’s Virtual Human Interaction lab is “Zoom smothers you with cues, and they aren’t synchronous.  It takes a physiological toll.”

What to do

So what do we do about all of this?  So far, I’ve seen no good answer.

Virtual Apps

I’m working with a group putting together an app we call GPS4Leaders (GPS4Leaders.com).  It was originally meant to be a stand-alone app that leaders and teams could have instant access to through their phones, tablets, laptops, and desktop computers.  We have built the app based on years of consulting work with clients.

Since the rapid shift to virtual meetings, we are moving away from the stand-alone app to a Zoom-based app.  We’re currently working with one of the Virtual Meeting Software companies to incorporate the “trusting team” concepts into the virtual environment.  We’ll see how it goes.

Pick up the phone

If it’s impossible to meet someone directly, pick up the phone and talk together.  You can even revert to the Zoom environment but do it one-on-one, not in a group.  Talk with the other person directly.  Get to know who they are, not just what they do.  What makes them a unique individual?  What is their background?  What experiences have they had?  What are their ambitions?  Anything you can do to get to know them as human beings the better.  We are human beings, not human doings!

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