My grandkids always loved that game where they search for the prize and are directed by words of “warmer” if they’re headed toward the hidden prize or “colder” if they are moving farther away.
Through the years I’ve met and worked with hundreds of executives in my consulting work. Some of them I seem to gain almost an instant connection with while others seem to take much longer and many times doesn’t develop into a close relationship. None of that has to do with respect or competence. I have great respect for many of them but have not necessarily developed close relationships.
It does however have to do with warmth.
One exercise that I’ve run through the years demonstrates this and always surprises me and others with the results. I’ll show a list of characteristic of a person they have not met but can assume are valid. They include words like skillful, determined, intelligent, warm, practical and a few others.
I show a slightly different list to each half of the room (without the other half seeing the list) and then ask them to rate the individual on traits they might expect from that person. These traits are always presented in pairs such as: reliable – unreliable, ruthless – humane, dishonest – honest. The list is reasonable long and you can see the pattern.
When we finish the exercise one half of the room will give the nod to the more positive descriptors such as wise, happy, humorous, reliable, honest, unselfish while the other half of the room tends to give higher scores on the negative descriptors such as ungenerous, shrewd, irritable, unpopular and dishonest.
Why the difference? You’re getting warmer. Each half of the room received an identical list of characteristics with the exception of one word. One list contains the word warm, while the other list contains the word cold. Is the person seen as warm or cold? That was the only difference between the lists. Those with the word warm assumed the person had the positive traits listed above. Those with the world cold assumed the negative traits.
Now here’s the scary part. We judge a person as being warm or cold in the first 15 seconds of an exchange. Now that’s not confined to the first time you meet a person. It relates to the first 15 seconds of every exchange. I’ve often heard people say, “As soon as Dave walks in the door I know what kind of day it’s going to be.” That first 15 seconds.
Kids look for the prize of the game be getting warmer and warmer. You’ll also collect the brass ring if you work at getting warmer and warmer. Greet people so they know you’re genuinely glad to see them. Be warm in that first moment. You’ll tend to gain the benefit of the doubt throughout the day.
Ron’s Short Review: Dean is probably the most humorist neuroscientist that you’ll meet or read. He has a great ability to make complex issues understandable and fun. His book really helps us understand why at times we do such crazy things driving by a supposedly rational brain. Good learning.
Ron’s Short Review: This whole concept of presence is a powerful one. It relates to true humbleness, great listening, being who you are in all circumstances. Great leadership lessons.